WEBVTT
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I'm looking for?
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What is the skill that can help me move forward?
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What is the things I'm doing very well?
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What are the things that can help me face the new unknown, but not from a position of victimhood, but from a position of I'm ready, I've got tools, I've done things in my life, I'm not empty-handed, I can handle it.
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That's really the essence of authoring your life story is not drawing, it's converting life experiences to future toolkit.
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Hey, uncommon Leaders, welcome back.
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This is the Uncommon Leader podcast.
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I'm your host, john Gallagher.
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Today I'm pleased to bring you a conversation I had recently that will deeply inspire you to take charge of your personal and professional narrative.
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My guest for the episode is Lior Arusi, an accomplished author, speaker and business consultant who's worked with top-notch organizations like Delta, walmart, fedex and Johnson Johnson, just to name a few of them.
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He recently released his 10th book, dare to Author, which focuses on the idea of authoring your own life story.
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So throughout the episode, we explore concepts such as overcoming the imposter syndrome, shifting from a mindset of merely fixing problems to one of creating opportunities, and the essential practice of receiving and internalizing positive feedback.
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So get ready to be inspired and to start authoring the story you want to live.
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Let's get started.
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You want to live let's get started.
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Lior Abusi, welcome to the Uncommon Leader podcast.
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Great to have you on the show.
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How are you doing today?
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Doing well.
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Thank you very much for having me on the show.
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You're welcome and I am looking forward to the conversation and I know that the listeners are going to find tremendous value.
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We are here today really to talk about your newest book that's come out.
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Become the Author and we'll get into that here real soon.
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But I got to tell you.
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I mean folks have got to be excited right off the bat.
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I mean you've got 10 different books that you've authored.
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You have spoken for organizations including Delta, walmart, fedex, johnson, johnson Pizza Hut that's just to name a few.
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Pizza Hut's one of my favorite places, by the way just pizza.
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You've had articles that have been published in the Harvard Business Review and Chief Executive and Fast Company magazines Phenomenal brand that you've built and I look forward to hearing many of those stories.
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But you're not just a business guru.
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I mean, in your latest book you talk about how to write your story and that's really one of my first questions that I ask my first-time guests is to tell me a story from your childhood that still impacts who you are today, as a person or as a leader.
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The story is actually pretty painful and I think we are all going through a process of elimination, if you may, or processing or converting that into a positive.
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But you know, I went to an elementary school in which our teachers didn't believe that we deserved to even go to high school.
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You know, they pretty much told us to go and either get to an occupational school or get some job, but they just didn't believe in us.
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We lived in a certain neighborhood that was not exactly great.
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Many of our parents were not exactly you know, definitely not college educated.
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Many of them were cleaning floors in the local stores or in the local you know other places.
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So you lived in an environment in which you went to school but the attitude was there's not much there for you.
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You know, the sky is not the limit.
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You know the limit is what you see around you and that left a lot of.
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You know, I remember at one time I was, I developed a crosswords puzzle and my teacher kind of like you copied it from somewhere.
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You can't be that smart and I'm like, no, I developed it, I sat down and I created the definition and made sure that everything and they were just like they dismissed us completely, and that was not a one-day experience.
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It was several years of going through this and they thought, by the way, that they were doing a good thing for us, because they were like we're just trying to keep you very realistic so you don't get disappointed in life and you don't dare to do things that you cannot do, and then you'll fail.
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And they thought they were doing good by us.
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And that story is still with me.
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I have no interest in going back to that school to prove them wrong, but every day there's a little child in me that's like, hey, teacher, you know I'm not where you thought I would be.
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I am far, far away from that place.
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I think that's a great story.
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You touched on it right off the bat.
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That can be a painful story, but when we can turn some of that pain into our purpose, that can be pretty powerful.
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One of the gentlemen that I follow talks about this, and folks that have listened to this podcast probably hear me say this too often.
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But you tend to be most powerfully positioned or ready to help the person that you used to be Okay, and those stories help to define us and those stories, as we turn our pain into purpose, help those other children that are in those places right now.
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Uh, that can, that can overcome those things and be successful and be more fulfilled and be more happy in the place that they work.
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So thank you for sharing that.
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I know those painful stories are not easy ones to share, but when you can hear about overcoming them, that's pretty powerful and, frankly, I get.
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If you wanted to go back and talk to that teacher again about that crossword puzzle, I've got a few of those little stories myself.
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With regards to stories with teachers who told those things and just you know whether it was intentional or not can absolutely be damaging to the growth of someone, as they, you know, are very young and can be influenced, so thank you for sharing that With pleasure and I have to tell you I haven't spoken about this for years.
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It's just with the book with Dare to Author that I started to kind of engage in those.
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But I have to tell you, I debated if to go back to that teacher and I decided not to because I didn't want to give him agency.
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I didn't want to give them agency that they actually are responsible for my success or for my journey in life.
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I mean, the scar that they left is just that and I'm the one who converted that life experience into future resilience, not them.
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So by going and settling scores with them, it's like giving them agency over my life, and Dare to Author is all about not allowing those people to get agency over our life.
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Well, let's jump right into that, because your book Dare to Author, talks about that.
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I went back and looked at some of it Again.
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This is your 10-time author and most of the books that you've written have been on customer service and or excellence or business transformation and things like that, and this one gets more personal, I can tell with that.
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So where did the idea for Dare to Author come from and who did you write it for?
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So this is another phenomenal story.
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I was preparing to make a presentation at one of my clients.
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30 days before the presentation I was supposed to review the slides at one of my clients 30 days before the presentation.
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I was supposed to review the slides with the CEO and I know him.
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I've known him for years and he goes on the call.
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And instead of letting me review the slides, he said to me Lior, we're going to change the topic.
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You're going to talk about your next book.
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And I'm like Ben, there is no next book.
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And he's like there is, there is Lior, there is, it's there.
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I want you to come in and talk about your next book.
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And half-jokingly, I threatened him.
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I said Ben, I have 30 days.
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I don't have time to create a new book for you.
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I'm going to bring Winnie the Pooh and I'm going to read and read Winnie the Pooh.
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I'm sure I'm going to learn something from it.
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And he told me I'm counting on you, you're going to come up with something.
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And at that time I just published an article at Chief Executive Magazine.
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It was not a book, it was just an article with a nucleus of a question of who is authoring your life story and the origin of that was I've been in the business transformation for three decades.
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I'm not just a speaker.
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Most of the work that I do is actually doing it.
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I'm there with the employees, I see their struggles and everything else, and I always find that the real obstacle is the story.
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They're stuck in an old story and they don't know how to move, close the chapter and move to the next chapter.
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So in many ways, whenever they face change, they become victim, they respond with victimhood, they become very passive and they cannot really emerge from that victimhood into the next chapter that they need to do.
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So it was from a lot of those learnings that I said maybe it's time to go to the root cause of them all, which is we don't know, as human beings, how to author our story and, as a result of it, we let external factors beliefs, fears, biases, other people's statements to really author our story, and that story is not a story we are proud of.
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So you know, in many ways it came from decades of working through transformations and through employees struggling, through converting life experiences into future stories.
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And then I layered on top of it the personal part, because ultimately what I learned is, when I open myself up, they can open themselves up as well.
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If you want to lead someone, learn how to lead with your stories.
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Don't come with invincible leadership story because nobody can connect to that anymore.
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If you're so invincible, then why should I follow you?
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And I allowed myself for the purpose of connecting with people and giving them permission to open those topics, to touch those scars.
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I mean, I just had, just a couple of hours ago, somebody called me.
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He just read the book from back to back, sent me a picture with all the notes that he made and said I'm going to be reading it again and again and again because you allowed me to touch places in my heart that I did not believe I will ever touch it and it's because you experienced it I'm willing to touch them and I'm feeling more safe, and so on and so forth.
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So I wrote it for everyone who wants to lead life with victory over victimhood, who wants to convert their scars into stars and embrace the future, because whenever we are victims, we are giving agency to others and we should not, and we're not future ready and we're not able to deal with the future the way it should be.
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Love that.
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We'll talk about a couple of concepts in the book here pretty soon that are in that when you finished so you started this book at the urging of a CEO who said basically, write your next book.
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He wasn't telling you to write your story, but this came out of that when you were finished with it, what was going through your mind when you finished it?
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What was there for you in terms of writing a book like this?
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First, it was a big journey because during the writing of the book I lost several people that are very important to me.
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So that was painful there and I needed to learn how to convert those emotions.
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It was written in different parts of the world.
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I mean, a portion of it was written in Paris, a portion of it was written in New Jersey, a portion of it was written in Dubai.
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I was traveling, I was doing work and, as a result so there are a lot of factors that came in and I have to tell you it was a journey for me as well.
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I wasn't sure if the book is even worth publishing.
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I wasn't sure because it's the first time that I'm opening with my own stories.
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I didn't know that my stories were worth it.
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My previous books were all about business examples, business case studies, measurable successes, case studies from here until the end of the book, and this was very personal.
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In fact, I sent it to several of my friends and said do you think it's worth it?
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Is it even worth doing it?
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And their responses were just so personal that I said okay, lior, it's a different book, but let's jump in.
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And that's what I did.
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Lior, I love that.
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I think there's something again, something there.
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Maybe in the next one, Maybe we'll talk about the 11th book that you're going to come out with.
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You touched on this.
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You said that folks are not in control of their own life's narrative, or they may think they're not in control of their own life's narrative.
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What are some of the things that they have to overcome to be able to write that story in an effective way?
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What are some of the barriers they have to overcome?
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So I'm going to go into two or three classic examples.
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Okay, let's start with the imposter syndrome.
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I tell a personal story about the imposter syndrome where I was about to meet the CEO of Nokia at that time the largest cell phone manufacturer in the world and I froze.
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I was like what do I have to say to this guy?
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He's controlling 43% of the market share of cell phones.
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At the time there was no iPhone.
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At the time we were all using Nokia.
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And the imposter syndrome is basically your deepest fear of being caught up as a fake taking over and coloring all your successes and telling you that all your successes are fake and you don't believe your own, your own capabilities.
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That's an example of if you don't overcome the imposter syndrome.
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It's defining your success.
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It's defining your choices if to apply to the next job, if to apply for a promotion or to do anything.
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It it's not just the fear, it defines your next steps.
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Another one which I talk about in the book, which is one of my favorites, is good news, bad news.
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What do you like first?
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And everybody's saying bad news first.
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And I'm exposing the fact that when you are looking for bad news first, you're looking to fix the present, you're not looking at opportunities in the future.
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The same situation can either present to you a fixing opportunity or leveraging and creating opportunity.
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And from there I extrapolate the conversation Are you a fixer or are you a creator?
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Are you looking for the past or are you looking for the future?
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And I have to tell you, a lot of people kind of argued with me that specific area, including my own wife, by the way and I insist that if you're bad news first, you're a fixer and you're all about reinforcing the current and you're not future ready, and you need to start looking and asking for the good news first, because you're wearing the mindset of opportunity, not the mindset of the world is broken.
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I need to be the firefighter to fix it.
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And the last one, which I think we all need to re-examine our position, is what I call the gratitude denial syndrome.
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We've all been there.
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You get feedback it's all good stuff and you start getting anxious what's wrong?
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Why are they telling me these good things?
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We're downplaying the good things and we're like OK, tell me what's wrong.
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It's like, whoa, stop.
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Why do you think the good news?
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Why do you think, think the gratitude is fake?
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Why do you amplify and give more weight to the feedback that is negative over the one that is positive, and my argument is that when we don't listen to the positive feedback, we don't recharge our capabilities.
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We all have good things and bad things within us, but by not listening, by denying the gratitude, by asking for okay, tell me what's wrong again, we're not refueling, we're not generating energy that can help us face the next challenges from a position of strength, not from a position of victimhood.
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Hey listeners, I want to take a quick moment to share something special with you.
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Many of the topics and discussions we have on this podcast are areas where I provide coaching and consulting services for individuals and organizations.
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If you've been inspired by our conversation and are seeking a catalyst for change in your own life or within your team, I invite you to visit coachjohngallaghercom forward slash free call to sign up for a free coaching call with me.
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It's an opportunity for us to connect, discuss your unique challenges and explore how coaching or consulting can benefit you and your team.
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Okay, let's get back to the show.
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Lior, I love that.
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Two of those last two, especially as you touched on them.
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Why do we struggle so much to receive compliments?
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I make up a little bit about that that some folks like to put a facade up, that it's in the position of humility, that they don't want to lift themselves up when they hear that, but the fact is it absolutely dishonors the person that's giving that feedback as well and not having an attitude of gratitude to receiving that feedback, and they start to walk away from that.
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So I do think I don't know why we tend to be a society of not accepting compliments.
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Somebody tells us that our house is nice and we're like, yeah, yeah, I got to do a lot of work to it, though I mean there's, there's things that we just don't accept.
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In that, in that spirit of gratitude, I think it's really powerful that you talk about and we'll get.
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I'm coming back.
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The other one was like you pointed the finger in the book as I read through it, and I'm glad you brought it up.
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I had as a question this are you a good news first person or a bad news first person?
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There's no doubt I'm a fixer.
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I had been.
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The question is do you want the good news or you want the bad news?
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Well, give me the bad news first, because I can fix it.
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Even that part, I can take it as the bad news first, and then I'll feel better when I get the good news at the end.
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But you're absolutely right in terms of that bad news puts you in the present tense of what's happening, and that good news really gives you opportunity to look forward in the future.
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So back to that.
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Compliments, though, and not accepting compliments Again.
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What's a discipline that we can use to recognize when we're not using gratitude to accept compliments?
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How do we overcome that?
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So first, if I may build up on what you said before, which is we're kind of like saying, oh, we don't want to be arrogant.
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Listening to gratitude is different than bragging about gratitude.
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So let's again, let's clarify what we're talking about.
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I want you to accept it, I want you to listen to it, I want you to be able to reference it for yourself.
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I didn't ask you to go and put a poster out there that brags about.
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These are two different things.
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And another analogy is, with all the humility, your car needs fuel, otherwise it can't move forward.
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We need that feedback in order to move forward.
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So that's the first thing.
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Now let's talk about the discipline.
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I'm going to share with you something that I do.
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I get a nice comment from someone, I get a nice email.
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I have a special file called thank yous.
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In my worst moments, when I'm feeling down and we all have them, ups and downs and so on so I'm going back there just to remind myself the places and the times where I did good, where I impacted other people, and I go back and said, okay, what have you done there?
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Can you activate that skill?
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Can you activate?
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The purpose of listening to gratitude is not just in order to feel good.
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It's also in order to hone your skills and understand what is your superpower.
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So when I go to those positive feedback, I'm looking for what is the skill that can help me move forward, what is the things I'm doing very well, what are the things that can help me face the new unknown, but not from a position of victimhood, but from a position of I'm ready, I've got tools, I've done things in my life.
00:19:22.012 --> 00:19:24.718
I'm not empty-handed, I can handle it.
00:19:24.718 --> 00:19:32.798
That's really the essence of authoring your life story is not journaling, it's converting life experiences to future toolkits.
00:19:34.220 --> 00:19:35.421
So good, so good.
00:19:35.421 --> 00:19:36.622
Lior, thank you so much for that.
00:19:36.622 --> 00:19:43.766
I mean absolutely, and I love the idea of the thank you folder, whether it's via emails or even note cards that you receive.
00:19:43.766 --> 00:19:55.731
I mean, if we, as the giver of those note cards, truly understood the value in the receiving of a handwritten note card and where it ends up in a drawer somewhere, that has an impact on somebody.
00:19:55.731 --> 00:20:00.315
And, frankly, that even leads me into, kind of one of the other points that you talk about.
00:20:00.315 --> 00:20:11.029
With regards to a good story requires three things it requires a hero, it requires a victim and a villain.
00:20:11.029 --> 00:20:18.359
And then you have a plus where you add in and it says and it requires a moment, which I love, that it reminds me of popular movies.
00:20:18.359 --> 00:20:22.971
They got to have the moment right when the victim needs the hero, or whatever that is.
00:20:22.971 --> 00:20:33.134
So tell me about that in terms of developing your story and how we become more effective in that model, if you will, that framework.
00:20:33.800 --> 00:20:40.968
So, with your permission, I use in the book one example that I think is so universal that it's worth repeating, and that is COVID.
00:20:40.968 --> 00:20:44.249
At COVID, we all started as victims.
00:20:44.249 --> 00:20:47.690
None of our institutions knew what to do with it.
00:20:47.690 --> 00:20:53.093
The health system, the academia, the government, the UN nobody knew.
00:20:53.093 --> 00:21:10.449
We all started as victims, and my challenge to the readers, through the prompts that I provide, the questions and the prompts in the book is let's write that chapter in which you emerged from a victim to a victor and we go step by step.
00:21:10.449 --> 00:21:11.411
What happened?
00:21:11.411 --> 00:21:12.313
How did you feel?
00:21:12.313 --> 00:21:15.665
And then, all of a sudden, restrictions you have to stay home.
00:21:15.665 --> 00:21:16.568
What have you done?
00:21:16.568 --> 00:21:19.267
What things that you used to do you no longer can do.
00:21:19.267 --> 00:21:20.846
And you learn to survive that.
00:21:20.846 --> 00:21:28.246
And then there was that moment where you move from survival to I can do that, I can do something with that.
00:21:28.246 --> 00:21:44.016
Now I have more time at home, maybe I can spend it with family, maybe I will do a project at home, and all of a sudden we discover, through a very personal strength, what our true values are, what our true capabilities are, and we emerge victorious.
00:21:44.016 --> 00:22:01.343
We all have that moment where our values are being tested, where victimhood seemed to be the default but we refuse to do it and it takes a choice to say it's very easy to say I'm a victim, say it's very easy to say I'm a victim.
00:22:01.343 --> 00:22:07.785
But when you discover that power and you convert yourself into a vector of the situation, that's when you discover the next layer of yourself, the next capabilities of yourself, and so on and so forth.
00:22:07.785 --> 00:22:18.205
So that is the moment where something in us is seeing capabilities that we have not leveraged in a moment of threat or in a moment of distress, or in a moment of difficulty.
00:22:18.205 --> 00:22:21.298
And that's of distress or in a moment of difficulty.
00:22:21.298 --> 00:22:24.241
And that's when we convert them.
00:22:24.261 --> 00:22:27.653
So, if I may give you an example, a lot of clients called me during COVID and they said Lior, it's a disaster, it's darkness, we don't know what to do.
00:22:27.653 --> 00:22:31.409
And I said what is the first word that comes to mind?
00:22:31.409 --> 00:22:34.363
And they all said darkness, helplessness.
00:22:34.363 --> 00:22:38.712
And they use the word unprecedented and I said that's great, that's correct.
00:22:38.712 --> 00:22:39.702
Factually, you're right.
00:22:39.702 --> 00:22:42.914
But you know what also unprecedented means?
00:22:42.914 --> 00:22:47.367
It also means I'm helpless and I have no tools, so we cannot get out of there.
00:22:48.068 --> 00:22:50.662
First question I asked them what do you want to do, survive or thrive?
00:22:50.662 --> 00:22:52.183
And they look at me it's like thrive.
00:22:52.183 --> 00:22:53.945
I mean, we're trying to survive.
